A cliche...

At this time of year, we are often asked to speak of what we are thankful for. No one has specifically asked me that this year except I have asked it of myself.
What am I thankful for...?

I'm thankful for...

1. my health. I'm not getting younger so this has been on my mind lately.

2. the friends who over the past couple of years have been supportive without being a crutch. Those that would not give into attention seeking, approval needing behavior but would kindly tell me I was being a git and to pull my head out of my ass. THANK YOU for helping me to stand on my own!

3. my exes. I am so thankful you are no longer in my life.

4. a family that loves me. We don't see eye to eye on most things but we are amazing at loving each other anyway. I know I am always missed when I am not there and welcomed with open arms when I can make it to a gathering. I love you guys so much.

5. my coven. A second family. What can I say... these people have shown me ways to own my shit. I have had my mind and my universe expanded because of the things I have learned among you and so much more.

6. my job. I stated in my last blog that this is not an economy to be unemployed in. I feel that I am lucky enough to be doing something that is somewhat enjoyable. I am able to pay my bills and have a little left over on occasion. I'm lucky

7. my first kiss and every first kiss that came after that. That sweet sweet moment of glorious connection between two people. I hope I have many more.

8. the fact that my name is not on any catalog mailing lists. What a nightmare.

There is so much I am thankful for. The above list is by no means all inclusive.
I do need to mention one more thing though, before I post this blog. Feel free to sing a long...

To all the girls I've loved before
Who traveled in and out my door

I'm glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls I've loved before

To all the girls I once caressed
And may I say I've held the best
For helping me to grow
I owe a lot I know
To all the girls I've loved before

The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay
The winds of change continue blowing
And they just carry me away

To all the girls who shared my life
Who now are someone else's wives
I'm glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls I've loved before

To all the girls who cared for me
Who filled my nights with ecstasy
They live within my heart
I'll always be a part
Of all the girls I've loved before

The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay
The winds of change continue blowing
And they just carry me away

To all the girls I've loved before
Who traveled in and out our doors
We're glad they came along
We dedicate this song
To all the girls I've loved before

Why do we let the fat cats rule?

An acquaintance of mine lost her job yesterday in the name of budget cuts.

I did not know this woman well. What I thought about her was that she was strong, independent and vocal about things she believed in. She felt passionate about where the company was headed and felt that she should speak up about it. I think she was let go to be silenced on top of "budget cuts". She was the only person to lose her job. Am I to believe that that solved the budget crisis? Well yes, I guess I am.

I have to wonder why the fat cats can't see their way into a reduction of salary, just for the time being until the economy turns around. What would be wrong with that? Executives all over the country could donate excess wages back to the labor pool and keep people employed. Is it unrealistic to think we should try to help one another? A voluntary stimulus package from corporate america.

And of course it is my fear of losing my job that keeps me from speaking out at work. Fear and the fact that as a bottom of the totem pole employee, I am not privy to all the facts.

I get a living wage and benefits. Good benefits. I call them golden handcuffs because to some extent that is what they are. I am lucky that I have health benefits. Maybe I would be more vocal if I feel I didn't have so much to lose or that there are scores of unemployed people out there who could easily replace me.

And in all honesty, I like my job. It isn't my ideal dream job but it is a good job and I work with good people. Amazingly good people. Up until I started working here I had no idea of what it was like to get positive feedback from a supervisor.

Anyway, I personally don't know the whole story of this woman who was fired. I do know that I will miss her.

A new sensation

I was treated to my first pedicure ever yesterday. I can now see why these are so popular and why people would treat themselves to this delicious experience. Who knew?
I used to scoff at friends who did this. I just thought it was silly. I had no idea what I was talking about and freely admit that I was wrong.
If you never had one, I highly suggest it. Its worth the pampering.

Oh Think Again, Sir!

I had it hammered home today that i really need to cut down my caffeine intake.

an intersting link

http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/invite/SpecialComment

I encourage everyone to watch this.

Sincerely,

goat

To make a long story short.... to late

I went to a protest last Friday where we, as gay people were asked to share our stories with people so that there may be better understanding. I am not sure where to start or what understanding I may help people have but here goes.

I came out on October 26, 1986. I was a PFC in the Army National Guard and busy learning my army job- 91 A- medic at Ft Sam Houston in San Antonio, Texas.

What lead up to this event? Did it start in the womb? I don't know. I remember my mother once telling me she knew I was different from the day I was born. Maybe it started with the crush I had on Karen Rasmussen. She was our next door neighbor and I couldn't have been more than 6 because we moved when I was 6. That was a busy year come to think of it because along with desperately loving Karen I also proposed to Nanette Horman. We were in the same kindergarten class. I thought she hung the moon.

I was quite the tomboy. I don't remember really feeling as if I were different from the other girls. I was pretty oblivious of kid politics unless it involved my little brother. I was his champion and he was my conscience. Poor kid was always in trouble for listening to me... anyway, at age 10 my best friend was Tracy. We were tight and I was wrecked when she moved to L.A. later that year. I met up her with after I came out and found that she had also. It was a good reunion.

When I was 12, our family moved to Elko, NV. Actually we moved to Spring Creek which is actually 15-ish miles south of Elko. The only really social contacts I had were through church. I grew up mormon. At 12 I was entering the young woman's program. To this day, I am not sure what that is all about. Are the sexes separated so that in those awkward years, the young people will be among others of the same sex who are experiencing the same traumatic and wonderful things, thereby feeling somewhat normal and safe? I can't say that that was how it was for me. When we moved I pretty much became an outsider in the social way of things. When all the teenage girl things started to happen, I felt confused and for the first time, I felt different.

As I moved on from jr. high into highschool and my peers started to talk about boys, talk to boys and date boys... I just didn't know what to do with that. There were boys I was friends with. (Many of them, I have since found out, are gay.) There wasn't really dating. I didn't date a lot. It just didn't interest me. I was asked far more than I accepted. It was just weird.

While trying to figure life out, I had many intense friendships with girls my own age. Intense meaning, I loved them, I was always wanting to hug them and be around them. Sometimes I scared them away and it took years for me to figure out why.

One big milestone was when I was 15. I was at the church with my freind Dena. I don't remember why we were there, Dena was a nonmember and I know it wasn't Sunday because i distinctly remember both of us wearing pants. We were sitting in the foyer on the floor and she was talking and I remember thinking to myself about how much I loved her. I then followed that thought with, "maybe I'm gay"... That caught my inner attention because I had never thought that before, I really wasn't even sure I knew what it meant, so I dismissed it. I never really thought about it again until my senior year in high school.

Monica... some people say that you never get over your first true love, for me it was her. I was a senior and she was a freshman. We met through my brother at a basketball game. She was absolutely enchanting. I was obsessed. The second semester of my senior year must have been hell for my folks. I had no idea how things appeared outside of my own little lavender cloud of denial. I just knew I had found the most wonderful friend ever. There wasn't anything physical about our relationship. It was just another intense friendship for me. As I stated before, I had no clue about being gay, that is until around April of that year when Monica went cold and evasive. After spending hours begging for her to talk to me she told me what people (her friends, her mom and random people at school) were saying. That we were dykes. I am sure the look on my face was comical because I really didn't know what that meant. When I figured it out I went to Monica and said that they were silly, we couldn't be dykes.

I didn't have any reasons to explain why we weren't other than the fear that people were saying we were. This was a really weird time for me looking back. There was a lot of tension between me and my mother. My dad was the bishop at this time and rarely home. I was a good kid. I didn't party- ever. No drinking or smoking. It didn't interest me so much. I spent most of my evenings over at Monica's, listening to music, watching t.v. and just hanging out. Sometimes, we held hands but that was it and that was just a show of affection. I was so totally clueless.

I graduated and went away to college. My roommate was Beth. I think she had more of a clue than I did. Also at this time I met a woman named Camille. She was the first lesbian I ever met that I know of. I didn't know it when I met her. She was fascinating and incredibly intense and I remember at one point she said she had something to show me. I asked her what and she looked into my eyes and then looked away and said, mostly to herself, "Not yet, you aren't ready". I really respect her for that. Because I have a feeling she was gonna help me out of the closet then and she was right, I wasn't ready.

During my freshman year I dated guys a little. I was proposed to 3 times. What was that about? It doesn't matter, I felt swept off my feet by Joseph Richard Costello in April of 1985. Between the time of my accepting his proposal and when we married, 1st of August the same year, I knew I was making a huge mistake but I had been caught up in a horrible momentum trap of my own making. The fact that in that short amount of time I started to see what a real asshole he was and I was completely at a loss as to what the hell I was doing didn't help. I just knew that I was doing what young women do in our church. I was doing what was right. It didn't matter that I still loved Monica (and she was pissed). It didn't matter that I don't think I ever loved Joey (hell I barely knew him). What I liked about him was his musicianship. I have had a lot of time to think about this and I know that his musical abilities were what attracted me. He played bass and classical guitar and he was really good. Worth marrying, no. Everyone could see it. I knew it but was pig headed and stubborn and was sure I could make it work.

Looking back, I really have Joey to thank for my coming out. If I hadn't married him, if he hadn't told me how stupid I was day after day and forced me to have sex with him, I may still be there, trying to do what is right according to the mormon church.

I left Joey after 8 months and the divorce went through in July. July 15, 1986. I joined the Army National Guard and the rest is history.

I remember my coming out as a liberation. I remember wanting to sing from the rooftops!

It took 2 more years before I came out to my family. I trusted my little sister with the news. That couldn't have been easy for her. I know it wrecked my dad.

The consequences since then have been well, enlightening. I was excommunicated. 4 years later I tried to do what was expected of me and was re baptised. I was then dis fellowshipped. Anyone who says that being gay is a choice is ignorant. Who in their right mind would willingly choose to be vilified and hated by society? Who would choose that? It isn't like gay people are accepted everywhere like VISA.

Since that time I was in a relationship with Toni. We were together for 14 years. I never wanted to marry Toni. I don't consider myself the marrying kind. Monogamy is hard for me. I think state sanctioned monogamy would be torture but I do understand that that is my opinion and it isn't shared by all people, gay or straight. There are many of my gay peers who want to be married. I think they should have that right- whatever it is called. Domestic partnership, civil union, marriage, eternal bondage... whatever it is called, the right should be for all people. Toni and I were together for 14 years. I wouldn't have legally married her if I were able BUT the right to do so should have been there and available.

I am not sure why people are so afraid. Two consenting adults want to pledge to be each others one and only, to have and to hold, in sickness and health, until death parts them. How is that scary and why should it be anyone's business except the two people involved? What would be wrong with two committed, consenting adults to have 1.) Health Benefits for their partners and families. 2.)Visitation Rights when a partner is hospitalized 3.)Immigration Rights for lesbian and gay partners of foreign nationals 4.)Social Security and pension survivor benefits AND 5.)Respect for our relationships.

This is my story in a nutshell. I hope that somewhere out there it may help to provide a better understanding to someone who may need it.

no nO NOOOOO!!!!!

Toni,
After the house sold, I paid you close to $5000 dollars of my half of the money. That was the last thing I owed you. I paid it and then said I wanted no further contact with you.
I gave up my dogs. They are just dogs. I can tell myself that all I want. I gave them up so I didn't have to be anywhere near you.
I don't want to be contacted!
I don't want to come over to your vortex of shit and and watch the dogs that I am trying to not miss. If I wanted to see the dogs, I would come over and see them but the price is just to much! So don't call me and ask me to watch them because Lee has some family emergency. Sacrifice yourself. YOU don't have to go, you can watch them. I seriously considered doing it and asking for $1000 up front for the first week and $200 a day after that. Even though I REALLY need the money and it would feel so good getting some of that guilt pay off back from you, being anywhere near you or where you live is just not worth it to me. AND, there is a snarky little part of me that is really happy that you sounded so pathetic in the message you left almost begging me. I don't have to help you. I can finally say no to you with a clear conscience because I don't owe you a damn thing!!!! I am free.
So, don't contact me unless YOU are dying. Until that time (may it be soon you manipulative, money grubbing, shit magnet), DON'T FUCKING CALL ME!!!!